Autistic People Talk to Themselves, So What? – The Real Talk on Self-Talk

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https://youtu.be/Xzpgvgh1crQ

Judging by the latest two posts, you’d be right to assume I’ve been on a 80’s British synth-pop/new wave kick. But no, that’s not it.

While changing a diaper (which, that’s my life now), my daughter Mo asked me what I was doing.

“I’m changing a diaper.”

“No,” she said. “You’re saying something.”

“Oh. Yeah. I’m talking. To myself.”

I wasn’t aware I was doing that until she said something.

“Why?”

This is a good question.

People talk to themselves. Autistic people talk to themselves.

Like, actually talking aloud. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

There’s a difference in intentionally talking to yourself and doing it subconsciously. The former is something you probably do, and you know it, and it’s completely voluntary.

But what about when you don’t know you’re doing it? When your 4 year old has to bring it up and interrupt yourself from yourself?

Welcome to The Life Autistic.

I’ll tell you what we’re up to.

Rehearsal. This is probably the #1 reason why I talk to myself and when I’m least aware of it. It’s a certain stimming, coping, preparatory mechanism that kicks in when I’m thinking of conversations I need to have with people, whether real, upcoming, or imagined. It can be hard for us to have “live conversations in the moment,” so it’s our way of laying pipe, roadways, and getting some sort of neural groundwork for when it has to happen.

Reinforcing a sequence. It’ll usually start with “So what I need to do is . . . ” It’s usually when I’m stressed, and when I know I have some crucial things that I need to resolve, do, get right, and comment on. It’s a bit of an inner monologue that needs to be spoken, and thus heard, and if I remember hearing it, I’ll process it like someone is telling me what to do. It’s nice following my own orders.

Losing my memory. My steel trap memory has rusted, so I have to work up some kind of mantra to remember things that I know I’ll forget by the time I’m going downstairs or elsewhere. So if I mutter “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” over and over, it’s not as if I’ve some sugary cereal fixation — it’s that I’m in trouble if I forget to get it for Mrs. H2 on the way up. 🙂

Odd glossolalia. Sometimes I’m stimming on “Planet Hunter” and apparently I’ve narrated or otherwise interjected things aloud that’d only make sense to me and whatever I’m deep in thought and pacing about.

There are other self-talk topics, like positive motivation (which I can’t bring myself to do) and negative self-scourging (which I don’t do out loud). Others like me will do more self-arguing and conversing in dialogue, and I do more of that on the inside.

But as they say, know thyself – and in this case, I know my self talk.

Thanks for reading my talk about my self talk, as if I don’t talk about myself enough! That said, if you still want to learn more about autism from an autistic person’s perspective, follow & subscribe to The Life Autistic – or follow the more whimsical, spontaneous, and amusing content on Twitter / Instagram. Thanks.

What Every Autistic Child Needs to Hear: The Autism Talk We Don’t Talk about Enough

If you’re a parent of an autistic child, then I can relate.

Not with you. With your child.

And that’s hard. I wish I could empathize with what it’s like to raise autistic and neurodivergent kids. But I do wish to help.

I’m an autistic adult who was once an autistic child. See above for proof.

The ‘doing’ of parenting, so I’ve discovered, is hard as a whole. That said, some things are easy.

Talking is easy.

But for all we do and learn about talking about your autistic kids, or getting them to talk, or figuring out why they talk to themselves, or (as it was in my case) getting them to stop talking — we don’t think about what autistic kids want to hear.

Here’s what we need to hear:

“I’m glad you’re different.”

“It gets better.”

“I’m sorry.”

“How can I help?”

[Not yelling]

“Help me understand.”

“I’m still learning. This is OK.”

“Here’s why [literally any change, reason, direction, etc]. . . “

“I know you’re worried; here’s what we can do.”

“Normal is easy, but it’s boring. You deserve better.”

“[DEEP SIGH]. I’m not mad at you. I just need a deep breath to be my best self here.”

“You know we’re both still learning?”

“Could you tell me more? It might help, and I’m listening.”

“Take some time; it’s OK to need some space.”

[Precise, sequential, unambiguous directions]

“That’s a good question – I don’t know.”

“Here’s what I appreciate about you.”

“Thank you.”

“I won’t make you feel bad about this.”

“You know, I struggled with this too.”

“This might be hard, but I believe you can do it.”

“Would you like to try [xyz]?”

“Here’s what I mean by [idiom].”

“It’s OK to need help; it really does.”

“What are you looking forward to today?”

“I can negotiate on x, and y, but not z, ok?”

“Here’s what I’m thinking, and I’m just thinking here . . .”

“This is why I couldn’t tell you about [x] sooner.”

“I’m sorry this didn’t go as expected – it surprised me too.”

“You’re not wrong about this.”

“I’m glad you are you.“

“Can you help me understand why [xyz] makes you upset (or happy)?”

“I love you — and here’s why I do.”

If you’re a parent of autistic children (or even if you aren’t!), I’m glad you found this blog. Parents like you have told me it has been helpful, and that’s encouraging to hear. If you want to learn more about autism from an autistic person’s perspective, follow & subscribe to The Life Autistic – or follow the more whimsical, spontaneous, and amusing content on Twitter / Instagram. Thanks.

Managing Change and Autism: When There’s No ‘Back to Normal’

I returned to work after a four-week baby leave, thinking I’d re-adjust to my gig and get back to normal.

That didn’t happen.

“This is why I don’t take time off work, ever, for any reason, for any length of time,” I joked.

For obvious national security reasons, I’m going light on details, but I returned to a flurry of changes whirlwinding me under a new team, new manager, a new direction on my role (possibly), and maybe a new role altogether.

You know how much I love change.

As an autistic professional—an autistic person—this was a bit to process.

When change happens to you, it’s tough enough for neurotypical people. With autism, those effects amplify. They blast the hyperintrospective signals from sound to screech. They’re pitched at you like a taut fastball of steely twine that you at once try to untangle all while trying to recover from the shock.

It made for a week.

Routine and repetition are autistic foundations. We can operate through a lot of intraday and day-to-day stress. Having the same job, customers, tasks, people, and environment — that helps. I know where to go when things go sideways. I (usually) know what I’m doing as my day job, whether it’s tough sledding or downhill skiing.

But what about when that all changes on you?

It’s not easy, but here are some things that made it easier.

Advanced notice. I found out ahead of time, with ample time. That helped drain out a lot of the anxiety and unknowns with space to spare.

Sequencing. This was a complex move, and I didn’t find out everything all at once. While it was a lot to work through at each step, the bite-sized chunks were manageable.

Explaining the ‘why.’ I felt like this happened against me at first, but it helped to learn the logic and the why behind the change. Everyone was open, and it helped fill in the unknowns without me spinning off the track.

Talking out all the angles. This was the catharsis. I had to go beyond trite things like “look on the bright side.” That doesn’t help. What does help is looking on both the bright and the dark sides, to balance that holistic landscape, to acknowledge both the positives and negatives, and then to navigate the new landscape with a good understanding of all the landmarks.

Believe it or not, this kind of thing has happened before. I didn’t handle it well then.

I do better now.

I’m interested to hear if you’ve had to handle similar: whether you’ve had to make the change, or whether the change made you.

As always, thanks for stopping by! This was an interesting reflection for me to share, so I hope it was worth the few minutes of your time. If you want to learn more about autism from an autistic person’s perspective, follow & subscribe to The Life Autistic – or follow the more whimsical, spontaneous, and amusing content on Twitter / Instagram. Thanks!

Blaze it abroad

Blaze it abroad

Blaze it abroad