On Spam

As a purist, I’m one most unfortunate. Demanding excellence from all walks of written communication is a rough and unrewarding slog, but someone has to do it. No sending of “rl brf txts.” No truncated leetspeak. No instant message insanity. No shortcuts.

As such, I demand better from you spammers and spambots out there.

That’s why we’re Writing All Wrong.

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— oomla-kamsing. biz

You can do better than this.

This is why spam is regarded as sub-tripe, sub-human. It’s like an art form that’s gone off to murder itself in the brain, coming back from the brink of death into retardation. You’ve gotten these messages too. Deep down, you don’t detest the generous offers from those princes in Nigeria suffering from banking crises, nor those “good-enough-to-be-true” prescription drug combo-pack giveaways — you detest the clumsiness, the improper grammar, the trappings of the offer.

Let’s shoot for better things here. Would I be interested in SEO meanderings and ferreting out shady links? Why, of course! But not if this deal is packaged in a crusted, mutilated, odor-stenched box.

WRONG: “My dear, Allow Me to Explain on behalf of my Princedom in regard to—”

Who opens up an impersonal letter with “My Dear?” Use “To Whom it May Concern” and go from there.

WRONG: “Bad Credit OK – Up to $1500 fertilisables humanizing roustabouts—”

Punctuation is your friend. The way I treat these humanizing roustabouts depends entirely on whether this is “Bad? Credit, ok.” or “Bad! Credit? Ok…” or Bad: Credit OK?”

WRONG: “Meet the best single on your city, view Chrsitian Dating online —”

I, for one, don’t fancy myself gunning for the best “single” massive enough to be atop my fair city. Would I not have noticed him/her by now, the folds of one’s enormous paunch draped over the skyline? Besides, we all know that the adherents of Chrsit have some iffy beliefs. Love is difficult enough as it is. Spammer, don’t make a mess of this.

Spammer, spambots, and spamwriters, do yourselves a favor. Before you all go to Hell, go back to English class.

Writing All Wrong can be reached via email (WritingAllWrong@me.com), followed on Twitter (@WritingAllWrong), and bettered for the optimized SEO traffic.